Do online RIPs rip apart the core of condolences and commiserations?

Time is of essence when it comes to circumstances surrounding death, loss and grief. And silence has a more profound impact than words, when we visit an aggrieved family. 

We may find ourselves lacking the right words on such occasions, but we seldom realise that our mere presence, minus the words and actions, can also help someone cope with loss, and gather the courage and confidence to move on…

Beep beep ... a WhatsApp message on Dimple’s mobile phone, inviting her for a party to ring in her dear friend, Simi’s birthday. 

The date is still a week away; in all anticipation, she starts thinking what to wear, which gift to choose, how to ensure she reaches on time, and who all will she be meeting at the party…

Two minutes later, another beep beep ... this time, it is a message on a common WhatsApp group of friends, informing everyone that their friend, Ramesh has just lost his mother. What is the next thought that comes to Dimple’s mind? Should she go immediately and be there for her friend, or should she call and speak to him? Anyways, he has hordes of relatives who will be there. Maybe, once everything gets over, she can offer condolences, either in person or on call over the weekend.

For the moment, since she does not want to feel excluded, she types three letters, so he knows she saw the message and responded on the friends’ WhatsApp group. 

RIP…

The week goes by… some guests at home, few visits to the supermarket, a client meeting… all of which keeps Dimple occupied. All this while, she is making plans with other friends to pool in cash for Simi’s surprise birthday gift, and has also picked the latest outfit from Zara for the party. Somewhere, at the back of her mind, is the gnawing guilt for not having shown up for condolences at Ramesh’s place.

A month later, Dimple bumps into Ramesh at the local market, and she becomes tongue-tied. Should she say, “I am sorry to hear about your mother’, or should she wait for him to tell her what happened? She ends up telling him that she really didn’t know how to respond, or what to convey to him, after hearing this sad news.

Hasn’t this happened to all of us? It is practically impossible that we have not experienced any personal loss till the age of 18-20. We all know the feeling of losing a grandparent or a close family relative or friend, or a parent, yet why is it that when we have to offer our condolences, we fall short of time, words or actions?

Tug-of-war between priority and procrastination - widening thanks to social media

Offering condolences for someone’s loss is something as humane and natural in our society, yet we take it easy, continue with routine, and postpone that visit or call indefinitely. And social media and the quintessential chat groups have a large role to play in this tug-of-war between priorities and procrastination.

A cursory glance on Facebook threads or WhatsApp chats, will reveal that any message citing the loss of a loved one will be followed by innumerable RIPs. Persons typing these three letters, do not really seem to bother to ensure their message, however short or impersonal, reaches the bereaved family, or whether it offers them some sort of solace. The point however, is different for celebrities and personalities known in public and they have their fans writing small obits, but hold on, can the same logic hold for someone close to us.

Celebrations can wait, condolences cannot

Let us compare two contrasting situations and test when and whether our memory serves us right. Do we remember the number of people, and names of those who attended our wedding or any large celebration held in our house? Chances are unless we lay our hands on the photo albums capturing the event, we may not have a strong recall.

Now, on the day we lost our dear one, do we clearly recall who came and stood by us, in the moment of crisis? The answer will be a definite ‘YES.’ Reason being that those people who chose to leave behind all their priorities and work and family commitments, took the time out to visit us and be there when we wanted them, occupy a permanent spot in our hearts. Such is the gravity of the situation, when the mourning family needs your presence, unspoken care and concern, and support, be it physical, moral or financial. On the flipside, more importantly, we also clearly remember who could not be there in that weak moment with us, for some reason, and who chose to postpone the condolence visit or call.

Tongue-tied and at a loss for words

People who could not fathom the courage to show up at someone’s funeral, and who did not find the right words to TYPE on their chat box, must introspect. Is it plain sympathy or strong empathy that you wish to express?

Words can serve as an ice-breaker, a mere formality or a means to avoid being excluded, labelled or judged, based on what you choose to say. It is ideal to express what you feel in as many words, but remember, you need to make the bereaved family feel loved and express your solidarity in that hour of crisis.

Paying a condolence visit- does it reflect concern or smack of callousness?

Nature and its creations have their own way of showing us the right path. If we observe how a stray animal mourns the loss of one of its brood, we will notice that the animals surround the mortal remains of their dear one, and mourn in utmost silence. 

Yet we humans let ourselves down pathetically, when we visit a funeral, and once we speak to the kith and kin of the departed soul, we choose to huddle in a corner and start chitchatting, gossiping, exchanging numbers and sharing updates. It surely does not involve any rocket science to imagine what the grieving family must be undergoing, seeing people around offering momentary lip sympathy and then not thinking twice before returning to their own social circles.

To conclude, social media or e-commerce can make our life less complicated, but let us not allow technology to make our relationships transactional, mechanical or automated. After all, few things in life cannot be ordered online.

And that includes a hand to wipe your tear and a shoulder to lean on…

Ten unconventional bequeathals for the coming generations

Money, real estate, gold are cliched ... 

Here are 10 non-monetary assets that we could will to our children

The first cry! And we are hit by a mixed bag of emotions – tears of joy, overwhelmed by the arrival of a new member, sleepless nights to follow, moments of anxiety, host of responsibilities, and the list is endless. The baby, which has just tiptoed into our lives, needs our full attention and time, and needs to be nourished, educated, and reared, and taught the right ways to lead his/her life.

We open several piggy banks for the most precious jewel in our crown, in the form of fixed deposits, systematic investment plans, children’s education plans, and invest in long-term assets, including gold, property, and equities… all this to ensure that every need that can be envisaged, right from infancy, toddlerhood, basic and higher education, medical insurance, teenage, marriage, and last but not the least, inheritance.  

But hang on!!! If you bequeath a crore of rupees as cash, or a mausoleum of a house for your child, does that mean you have topped the University of Parenting? Maybe you have provided for every potential need of your offspring, but how does this ensure his/her evolution into a knowledgeable, talented, creative, nature-loving personality.  

Here are 10 unconventional bequeathals which can go a long way in shaping the personality of a child, and making him/her a more responsible, sensible, sensitive and mature individual.

1. Discovering the joy of reading: The child who reads today, will be an adult who thinks tomorrow. Introducing your child to the world of books and joys of reading in the growing years, can probably help them find their best friend, philosopher and guide for a lifetime. Reading can nourish their brains, and instill a sense of curiosity and quest for knowledge and information. A gargantuan library, be it in the form of physical books or maybe a kindle, can be one of the best assets that several succeeding generations can also benefit from.

2.  Initiating the love for music: The sapta swaras, when woven together, can produce the most melodious tunes. Inculcating love for music, helping them learn to sing or play an instrument, and more importantly, teaching them the right way to appreciate music and talented musicians, can provide them a calming escapade from their hectic schedules, and offer access to one of the most effective stress busters. It doesn’t really matter which school of music they may want to pursue – Hindustani, Carnatic or Western. End of the day, all forms of music are bound by the same thread of seven notes. If the love for music culminates into a passion for dance, that’s equally or even more rewarding. So, how about extending your CD collection to your children and their families further on?

3. Fostering art and craft: Be it a traditional form of art like embroidery or crochet work, Warli or Madhubani paintings, or making murals, or more modern pursuits such as quilling, paper craft, candy stick art, or beadwork, any form of art and craft fosters creativity and imagination and offers immense satisfaction. And definitely, every family will have certain hidden arts and artists, who need to pass on the talent to their younger family members, so that the legacy can continue.

      4. Encouraging philanthropy: The joy of giving can only multiply if we ensure our children understand the need to care for the needy, and provide for them in as many ways possible. Though companies and hence, employers, these days are becoming more socially responsible, what could be lacking is the personal touch. 

So, take your child to a local orphanage or home for elderly, and initiate the practice of offering food, clothes, books, and other items of utility to the inmates. We need to ingrain the fact that these are individuals who are not less-privileged in any way, but are those with immense potential and dreams, who only need the means to fulfill their aspirations, may be in the form of money or valuable guidance and moral support.

  

    5. Building a connoisseur’s paradise:  Old is gold and will always remain so. Few decades ago, many of us and our parents or grandparents loved collecting rare stamps, coins, photographs or paintings. Whenever someone would pay a visit, maybe an old acquaintance or a distant relative, we would find great pride in showcasing our repertoire. However, the current generation of kids rarely display such inclination or enthusiasm. Perhaps the advent of internet or technology consumes their mind and mental pace to an extent, that there is less physical room for accumulating and storing such assets.

    6. Preserving antiques and family heirlooms: Can you ever find in the local bazaar or the virtual e-marketplace, the vessel in which your grandmother made her signature kheer, or the ancient bell that hung in the courtyard of your father’s home in his native place? In most of the cases, the answer would probably be no. Certain things, like wine, become worthier with age. And our family heirlooms and antique pieces are no exception. The gap however, arises when our progeny fails to perceive value in such objects because they perhaps do not know how precious these collectibles are, both in terms of monetary value, and as a souvenir.

 7.   Instilling the need for spirituality and meditation: One of the saddest ironies in today’s fast-paced, mechanical life is that we try to discover everything around us, except our own selves. What does it take to take a moment, sit down and pause, and dwell on our thoughts? Most individuals, especially children and teenagers, are trapped within walls of peer pressure, advices (some irrelevant or unsought) and an overload of information on the Internet. If they fail to wake up to their inner voice and calling, they may end up in the wrong professions and living someone else’s dream.

Let us introduce our scions to the universal force that binds all of us, to the ways by which we can reach out to the Almighty, share our concerns with Him/Her, and find a pathway to peace and equanimity.  This could help them identify their strengths and weaknesses, choose careers that are aligned to their talents and aptitude, be unruffled by constant challenges or any negative feedback, and remain grounded to their roots, so as to achieve their goals and reach for the skies.

       8. Handing down cherished memories and the Family Tree: Not sure how many of you would agree with me, but black-and-white pictures of our parents and grandparents, the ancestral home, the well and cow shed in the backyard, the paddy fields and plantations, have an unmistakable charm. Why lose it to hi-tech scans and personal drives of laptops? Why not print them (if negatives are available), paste them in albums, write down catchy and meaningful captions, and pass it over to the youth of tomorrow? This could help them recall and relive those occasions, appreciate and preserve some of the practices, and maintain tradition and culture.

If we were to run a quiz among our cousins, on who was our great-grandfather or what was his profession or where he lived, chances are few may have the right answer. Consider the ramifications if our children never knew who were their forefathers, which was their native place, or how many uncles and aunts do they have in the immediate and distant family. Years later, if their children were to ask them these questions, where would they find the answers? So, it is a time-consuming yet worthwhile exercise to draw your family tree with all the possible details of every member, and preserve it for your successive generations.

9. Sharing traditional lip-smacking recipes and culinary secrets: The secret ingredients that go into the chhole prepared by your favourite aunt, the recipe for making perfect modaks for Lord Ganesha, or the tried-and-tested method for making melt-in-the-mouth Mysore Paks… does anyone know these culinary secrets? This is possibly the only way families can ensure that the taste of the quintessential Dadimaa ka Khaana lingers forever, not only in the minds of kith and kin, but also on their tongues. This may also ensure that the nutritive value of food is well-preserved, and the body gets the required nourishment, in a world that is increasingly dominated by fast foods and crash diets.

10.Creating the urge to protect nature and the environment: If we closely examine our surroundings, environment and nature, we could comprehend the pressing need to maintain the ecological balance, use natural resources sparingly, and conserve every drop and aspect of Mother Nature. Depleting forest areas, climate change and global warming, receding water levels, and increasing pollution in air and water, may suffocate those stepping into adulthood few decades later.

So, the answer lies in acting now, before the situation bommerangs into a global crisis. Let us bequeath the strong urge to protect our natural resources, and prevent further damage to the environment, to our children, so that they grow into socially responsible and sensitive human beings.

                                    

And after a long blogpost, here is a short disclaimer. The purpose of penning down this blog was to share some of the ways by which we can help our successive generation, learn from and preserve the past, sustain their present and succeed in their future. Feel free to add on to your own list of bestowments. The list is inexhaustive and options are raised to infinity, if only we look at the world after taking off the glasses tainted with materialism, possessiveness, and constant comparison and competition.

Good luck and God bless!!!