Do online RIPs rip apart the core of condolences and commiserations?

Time is of essence when it comes to circumstances surrounding death, loss and grief. And silence has a more profound impact than words, when we visit an aggrieved family. 

We may find ourselves lacking the right words on such occasions, but we seldom realise that our mere presence, minus the words and actions, can also help someone cope with loss, and gather the courage and confidence to move on…

Beep beep ... a WhatsApp message on Dimple’s mobile phone, inviting her for a party to ring in her dear friend, Simi’s birthday. 

The date is still a week away; in all anticipation, she starts thinking what to wear, which gift to choose, how to ensure she reaches on time, and who all will she be meeting at the party…

Two minutes later, another beep beep ... this time, it is a message on a common WhatsApp group of friends, informing everyone that their friend, Ramesh has just lost his mother. What is the next thought that comes to Dimple’s mind? Should she go immediately and be there for her friend, or should she call and speak to him? Anyways, he has hordes of relatives who will be there. Maybe, once everything gets over, she can offer condolences, either in person or on call over the weekend.

For the moment, since she does not want to feel excluded, she types three letters, so he knows she saw the message and responded on the friends’ WhatsApp group. 

RIP…

The week goes by… some guests at home, few visits to the supermarket, a client meeting… all of which keeps Dimple occupied. All this while, she is making plans with other friends to pool in cash for Simi’s surprise birthday gift, and has also picked the latest outfit from Zara for the party. Somewhere, at the back of her mind, is the gnawing guilt for not having shown up for condolences at Ramesh’s place.

A month later, Dimple bumps into Ramesh at the local market, and she becomes tongue-tied. Should she say, “I am sorry to hear about your mother’, or should she wait for him to tell her what happened? She ends up telling him that she really didn’t know how to respond, or what to convey to him, after hearing this sad news.

Hasn’t this happened to all of us? It is practically impossible that we have not experienced any personal loss till the age of 18-20. We all know the feeling of losing a grandparent or a close family relative or friend, or a parent, yet why is it that when we have to offer our condolences, we fall short of time, words or actions?

Tug-of-war between priority and procrastination - widening thanks to social media

Offering condolences for someone’s loss is something as humane and natural in our society, yet we take it easy, continue with routine, and postpone that visit or call indefinitely. And social media and the quintessential chat groups have a large role to play in this tug-of-war between priorities and procrastination.

A cursory glance on Facebook threads or WhatsApp chats, will reveal that any message citing the loss of a loved one will be followed by innumerable RIPs. Persons typing these three letters, do not really seem to bother to ensure their message, however short or impersonal, reaches the bereaved family, or whether it offers them some sort of solace. The point however, is different for celebrities and personalities known in public and they have their fans writing small obits, but hold on, can the same logic hold for someone close to us.

Celebrations can wait, condolences cannot

Let us compare two contrasting situations and test when and whether our memory serves us right. Do we remember the number of people, and names of those who attended our wedding or any large celebration held in our house? Chances are unless we lay our hands on the photo albums capturing the event, we may not have a strong recall.

Now, on the day we lost our dear one, do we clearly recall who came and stood by us, in the moment of crisis? The answer will be a definite ‘YES.’ Reason being that those people who chose to leave behind all their priorities and work and family commitments, took the time out to visit us and be there when we wanted them, occupy a permanent spot in our hearts. Such is the gravity of the situation, when the mourning family needs your presence, unspoken care and concern, and support, be it physical, moral or financial. On the flipside, more importantly, we also clearly remember who could not be there in that weak moment with us, for some reason, and who chose to postpone the condolence visit or call.

Tongue-tied and at a loss for words

People who could not fathom the courage to show up at someone’s funeral, and who did not find the right words to TYPE on their chat box, must introspect. Is it plain sympathy or strong empathy that you wish to express?

Words can serve as an ice-breaker, a mere formality or a means to avoid being excluded, labelled or judged, based on what you choose to say. It is ideal to express what you feel in as many words, but remember, you need to make the bereaved family feel loved and express your solidarity in that hour of crisis.

Paying a condolence visit- does it reflect concern or smack of callousness?

Nature and its creations have their own way of showing us the right path. If we observe how a stray animal mourns the loss of one of its brood, we will notice that the animals surround the mortal remains of their dear one, and mourn in utmost silence. 

Yet we humans let ourselves down pathetically, when we visit a funeral, and once we speak to the kith and kin of the departed soul, we choose to huddle in a corner and start chitchatting, gossiping, exchanging numbers and sharing updates. It surely does not involve any rocket science to imagine what the grieving family must be undergoing, seeing people around offering momentary lip sympathy and then not thinking twice before returning to their own social circles.

To conclude, social media or e-commerce can make our life less complicated, but let us not allow technology to make our relationships transactional, mechanical or automated. After all, few things in life cannot be ordered online.

And that includes a hand to wipe your tear and a shoulder to lean on…